Good news…I saw a dog today! Just kidding, unfortunately I did not see a dog, but I am back to blogging and that is even better. Thank you to all of my loyal readers who heckled me about taking the week off from blogging. You harass because you need a reason to procrastinate
Anywhoodle, when I wasn’t standing in front of my parent’s refrigerator with a fork contemplating what I would eat next I was camped out on their couch enjoying a lengthy marathon of ‘Say Yes to the Dress’. True confession (even though it is not Friday): I am mildly obsessed with weddings. Now, mind you, I am not looking to have one of my own anytime soon. I mean, I have been making some serious head way on the seven year plan, but thinking about that kind of grown up business still induces a cold sweat and vertigo. On the other hand I would like all of my friends to marry off while I am still young enough to get away with wearing a Britney sun dress to church and fist pump like there is no tomorrow (Hi, Hawk and Ferret…jk, sort of).
My obsession with weddings is pretty far reaching. I watch more wedding shows than I should admit and religiously read wedding announcements from a variety of sources. When I am feeling especially creepy I google the names of acquaintances I have heard are getting married so that I can judge their registry. To be fair, I don’t think this behavior is that out of the ordinary for most girls. I won’t name names, but I will say I have engaged in almost none of these activities on my own.
Luckily, 23.5 seems to be the age where it becomes socially acceptable and not completely insane to get married. 23.5 also happens to still be young enough to make too many trips to the open bar and request that the DJ play “Remix to Ignition.” This does not; however, give you license to horrify Grandma with your behavior. The ‘I’m young, dumb, and full of…booze’ excuse only goes so far.
When attending weddings:
DO dance. A LOT. Feel free to incorporate pointing and twirling. This makes for great pictures and your hosts will be glad to see that you are having a good time. In fact, my cousin, Steel City Bride has mandated this for her bridal party. Please, girl, you know I am more than happy to oblige.
DON’T dance inappropriately. Two feet on the floor, room for the holy spirit and all that jazz. On that note, also be mindful of the elderly and very young guests. It would really put a damper on the event to see Aunt Mae get knocked on her bum by some erratic dancing, which unfortunately I have seen happen and then had to cut my dad off.
DO keep all of your garments on your body at all times. I mean if you get hot, gentlemen, feel free to remove your jacket or in the case of my friend, Esquire (on account of his dapperness and penchant for lawyering), the vest to your three piece suit. Under no circumstances should you continue to remove articles of clothing. Ladies, you are only wearing one layer, please be cognizant of that. This might seem like a no brainer, but I have attended 2 weddings in the past year where there was excessive nudity. Just because you are in the bridal party or happen to be wearing a kilt, you are not exempt.
DON’T forget to bring appropriate articles of dress. My father made that mistake and had to wear a polo shirt from the Dollar General with his suit. Also, be aware that weddings rarely end with the reception, unless you are 85. No one wants you to barf on your party clothes or show up to the post-wedding brunch in a Notorious BIG t-shirt.
DO get married in the near future and invite me. I am great at dancing and clean up very nicely. It should also be noted that I love cake and cheap champagne and do not need a plus one, which makes me an economical addition to your guest list. If there is not room on that list I understand, but don’t think for a second I won’t google your registry.