Esquire and Hawk will tell you that I love to say inappropriate things, laugh at inappropriate jokes and in general dabble in making the occasional raunchy comment. This is not to say I am some female Joe Francis, but I’m no Puritan either. Suffice it to say I have a higher threshold for such things than you might expect and that’s how I know my number one news source is getting slightly out of control.
No, no; it’s not CNN.com’s new layout that has me irked. The BBC has not added some new tab for erotic news. It’s worse than that.
The Superficial, my beloved source of daily, sordid celebrity gossip, has been taken over by picture upon photo gallery of voluptuous celebrities and super models in their underwear.
Where is the website that brought me the tragic news of Nick and Jessica’s divorce, only a few Thanksgivings ago? Where is the website that kept me up to date on the aftermath of Anna Nicole’s death? Where is the website that should be detailing the events surrounding Tiger Woods domestic dispute car accident? It’s gone and in its place are quasi celebrities faking wardrobe malfunctions for a little press. I totally hate it.
The pornification of The Superficial has been a gradual progression. It started out with a few jokes about the blogger’s anatomy. Fine; hilarious even. It grew to include celebs frolicking on the beach. Great. I needed some motivation to hit the gym. There was the occasional disgraceful car exit ala Brit Brit and Lindsay Lohan. Tragic, but of course I was enthralled watching them spiral out of control. Now, every time I go on I’m scrolling through four naked girls before I get to one piece of news.
So, I gave it up. Cold turkey. It was hard, but I got sick of explaining to my assistant ‘It’s just gossip, OK?’ In full disclosure, I should admit that I got a virus on my work computer from visiting last winter and a few weeks ago while perusing the site a warning about it being an attack site flashed across my computer, so maybe the fear of losing my job had something to do with my quitting, but we’ll never really know now will we?
Anyway, I dealt with the withdrawal quietly and didn’t even mention to anyone that I was giving it up. Suddenly, though, I was less knowledgeable about the intricacies of the most recent celebrity divorce. I hadn’t seen Heidi and Spencer’s latest antics and I had no idea that everyone hated Adam Lambert’s AMA performance as much as I did. In fact, no one was even talking to me about these things anymore. I mean, I still read grocery store tabloids; I’m not dead! Paranoia that I was falling out of the loop began to set in until I received the following email from my boyfriend, who for the record is neither a boy nor someone I am romantic with.
I really need to stop looking at the superficial in public places. It’s unacceptable. I think I need to go to celeb gossip rehab though because I just can’t stop myself!
This probably means that it is time to reevaluate and take up knitting or building ships in bottles. Instead, I’ll just mourn what has become of my beloved gossip source and wade through all the D-List celebrities on TMZ instead. After all, it is probably better to scroll past Kirstie Alley than Levi Johnston’s latest pictorial.