What I want to be when I grow up…

Reading trashy magazines and keeping abreast of celebrity gossip is one of my greatest joys in life. I never realized this was so blatantly obvious until my boss started supplementing my salary with copies of People. There are a ton of perks to my job, but this is probably the best one. Anyway, yesterday, was The Boss’s first day back from a week long business trip and as usual she had a pile of magazines to pass on to me. Missing children of 2009, Tiger in trouble, Oprah leaving her show. What? No more Oprah? Noooooooo!

I doubt that I will actually miss Oprah all that much on account of her new network, which I assume will just be some variation of her show now, but on loop 24 hours a day. What troubles me most about Oprah’s departure are the candidates being tossed around to replace her. I have heard talk of Sarah Palin and to that I say, OMG please, no. There is no doubt of her entertainment value and I can tell you she would kill with Middle America, but do we really need to sit through five hours a week of why evolution is crap, global warming doesn’t exist and other nonsense the liberal media is pushing down your throat? Then there is Tyra Banks. I am 99% positive that she is being thrown into the ring just because she is black and struggles with her weight. Sadly, yes, TV executives do think like that. Our most viable option, at current, is probably Ellen DeGeneres. Now really who doesn’t love Ellen? She chats with her friend Gladys, she has amazing dance moves and she loves to give crap away to her audience. In short, she is really quite wonderful, certainly a contender, but I just don’t think her format sets her up to be a legitimate successor to Oprah’s throne. Where Oprah helps us answer the hard questions like “just how much does Tom Cruise love Katie Holmes?” and “how can I live my best life?” Ellen merely jokes around with her audience and lets celebs promote their latest project. At heart, she is a comedian and I just don’t think she has what it takes to introduce the Dr. Phil’s of the world to her audience with a straight face.

There is one person, though, who I think could do a bang up job, despite not being seriously considered by any media outlets, yet. That person would be me. Now before you scoff, hear me out.

As a communications major, I read books entitled ‘Why television matters?’ and ‘The Broadcast Century.’ I wrote (numerous) papers about race and gender stereotypes as portrayed on television. Most importantly, though, I am well versed in the impact of media advertising on consumers, especially since the dawn of the digital age. If that does not scream media mogul I am not sure what does.

I also happen to know my way around a television studio. Communications majors have little hope of employment after graduation and are forced to do a bevy of unpaid internships with the hopes that one of them will turn in to gainful employment post-graduation. As such I have worked in no shortage of news stations and gained a truly unique skill set. My days as an intern taught me to file press releases (right in the trash can), to scroll a teleprompter at the exact speed desired by the Ron Burgundy wannabe sitting behind the news desk and to dodge whatever the news director decides to hurl across the station in anger. My internships were about as glamorous as they sound, but I would reconsider this career path if I could come back as the boss.

Similarly, anyone who has seen the short films I produced and/or was forced to appear in during my senior year of college knows that my production skills are pretty much unmatched. As long as I am on the topic of the masterpieces currently under my belt, I might as well mention that I am insanely photogenic, terrible at memorizing my lines and unable to act. The memorization and acting problems may seem like an issue, but I actually think it makes me better suited for live television. In this regard, I will be forced to be totally myself in front of the camera, which means no secret scripts like The Hills.

Ok, but what about content? Jeeze, Readers, I am getting to it. Obviously, there would be a celebrity component; interviews, musical performances, etc. I would totally keep up with the latest self help gurus. I mean, I’m kind of like Jay-Z in that I have 99 problems that I imagine can be solved in 44 minutes. My love of eating has already been well documented, so obviously there would be food segments. This primarily means two things, food giveaways for the audience and also a concerted effort to steal viewers from Rachel Ray and knock her off the air. You’re welcome, on both accounts. Animals, duh. Not only do I love them, I am also terrified of them, which I assure you is completely hilarious and will certainly give The Soup plenty of material. Additionally, I spend at least 3 hours grooming myself each day. Half of this time is devoted to testing new products, specifically wrinkle creams. I am more than willing to bring viewers with me on my journey through Sephora’s inventory. Again, viewers, you’re welcome.

Now you’re probably thinking, this all sounds like fluff, which it is, but that’s only because I will need to balance all the hard hitting issues I am going to tackle. Poverty, hunger, abuse and the other horrible tragedies people endure. I swear I can be serious when I want to. Particularly, the societal mechanisms that are meant to keep the poor, poor and the rich, rich are things that I could easily go on about for at least 2 shows. My arsenal also has several diatribes concerning gender race, climate change, health care and pleat front dress pants. On top of all this I sometimes pursue classy hobbies and high-brow interests; the ballet, the theater, opera, fine literature. Though it may not seem like it, you are reading the blog of someone who has read all 900 pages of Anna Karenina, for FUN.

Oprah still has a little over a year and a half to go as host of her show. This is just enough time for my blog to really take off and garner a devoted following. Said following will obvi translate into millions of viewers and ratings gold. In the meantime, I will just be tirelessly seeking out an investor to partner with as I start my media empire, unless, of course, this blog gets optioned as a memoir and/or major motion picture. In that case, you are all stuck with Sarah Palin.


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