I know, I know, I’ve been slacking with the posts, but I’ve been busy laying on the couch in my leopard snuggie (thanks, Athena!). Anyway, I know you will all forgive me when you see what I have been cooking up for you…A BEST AND WORST LIST OF THE LAST DECADE! I figured all the major media outlets would have one, so I would need one if I really plan to give Oprah a run for her money.
Normally, you will just get one best and one worst each day, but today I owe you a bunch due to said slacking…
10.) Waxing Ten years ago I was in the height of my awkward stage. OMG, was it horrific. I was chubby, greasy and I had the worst eyebrows of all time. Words don’t do it justice, but I can’t bear to make a picture of this time period public. I was woofier than Buzz’s girlfriend. Anyway, Utan knew that underneath all that ugly there was hope. Instead of bringing me to a proper professional she just put stickers all over my forehead and tried to “wax” my brows herself. I left her house just as furry as I entered, but also blotchy and covered in bits of stickers. My mother took this as a wake up call and rewarded my cooperation by funding my professional hair removal for the next 9 years. Thanks, Mom, for the most well groomed brows on the east coast. Ed. note: My braces were also a significant part of my transition out of my awkward stage. Waxing only beat out my metal mouth for the number 10 because waxing has spanned the whole decade. Sadly, my braces made their appearance 14 years ago and omg I am old.
9.) Tequila I owe a lot of great times to tequila, but nothing will ever beat the first time we met. After graduating from high school Utan took me on a cruise with Steel City Aunt, Steel City Uncle, Steel City Bride, Steel City Maid of Honor and Steel City Brother. When the cruise stopped in Cozumel, Steel City Aunt and Utan went off on a tastes of Mexico tour leaving Steel City Uncle to take the 4 of us on a party boat. Side note, Steel City Uncle is for sure one of my most fun uncles. He likes to drink Jameson and do what my aunts call the white man shuffle and is an avid hunter. Sometimes his kills include squirrels, which when we were little my cousins and I used to fight viciously over who got the tails. Anyway, we boarded the boat and proceeded to rip tequila shots and do the tequila limbo. About an hour later, we got off the boat and went to the beach. The beach was equipped with a water trampoline, which we all took turns jumping off. Not wanting to be outdone, Steel City Uncle decides he is going to bound across the trampoline and dive into the water. He clears the trampoline and starts jumping…JUMP…JUMP. Just as he reaches the side and is about to dive in his feet slip between the trampoline part and the floating part and he face plants into the water. Well, we all nearly drown we are laughing so hard, so Steel City Uncle decides to salvage his pride by trying again…JUMP…JUMP…SLAM! He goes face first into the water AGAIN. Thank you, tequila.
8.) Living with the Ferret If I had not lived with her I am sure I would have no friends to speak of, would not have made it to graduation and would have made so many more horrible life decisions.
10.) The 4 day hang over In college, South Beach and I had this terrible habit of taking “world’s most unneccessary tequila shots.” One particularly unnecessary time I am pretty sure I took more than one and chased it with a keg of beer. I was suffering until about Tuesday.
9.) Getting chased by turkeys About a year ago I read this article in the Globe about what to do if you are chased by turkeys. I thought to myself, “This is nonsense, I live in a city. Where the heck am I going to see a turkey let alone get close enough for it to chase me?” Well, wouldn’t you know a week later I got my answer. It was a rainy morning and I was all suited up to publically transport to my office without winding up looking like a drowned wolverine. The monsoon the night before had blown the neighbors trashcans all over the street. At the end of the street one lawn, in particular, was laden with trash and wouldn’t you know it, a bunch of turkeys feasting on the trash. Now, when I say a bunch I mean like 20-25 turkeys all lurking about on the lawn and eating trash. The turkeys spy me walking towards the T stop and seem to think that I want in on the garbage eating. They are having none of this and start shaking their heads menacingly towards me. “Turkeys, I don’t want your trash, I’m just going to work.” Apparently they are not reassured and the closer I get the angrier they get until the point they decide to start coming after me. I cross the street, hoping to put some distance between us, but they just get more territorial and before I know it they are about a yard away and closing in. I hate nature and have no intention of messing around with these turkeys that are maybe only 6 inches shorter than I am and certainly a lot stronger/more ferocious, so I turn and run down the street as fast as my legs will carry me. You would think the turkeys would be content to see me high tail it out of there, but no, they keep chasing me all the way down the street. Finally, I turn the corner and manage to lose them along with any shred of dignity I had left. I only hope my neighbors happened to glance out the window and were lucky enough to see this going down.
8.) Boyfriend going back to school Boyfriend endured a long stretch of questionable employment. Everywhere she was hired shortly thereafter went bankrupt and she either lost her job altogether or at the very least her benefits. Being in a dead end job was sad times for her, but it also meant that she had loads of time on her hands in which she was not doing much work. This was great because it allowed us to communicate by email 25-30 times each day. Since I have no similarly aged coworkers to speak of this really worked out for me. I had someone to take virtual coffee breaks with, rehash the latest on all the blogs we read, gossip about my life and send random crap I found on the internet . Unfortunately for me, she decided that she was too good for a dead end job and went back to school to be a teacher. This is mostly terrible because we are now down to about 3 emails each week. I hate it.