Hi, kids. I am blogging on location today from Philadelphia and Ferret and Hawk are forcing me to finish the list. I didn’t mean to leave you hanging all week, but I got wrapped up in sending 2009 out with a bang. After much deliberation and even more champagne, here is what I’ve got:
7.) Monday Night Mexican Freshman year of college a bunch of my friends and I were put on housing probation after we were caught ripping shots of vodka at a Christmas party in the dorms. Being sweet and innocent young ladies we were able to talk our punishment down to a mere 2 week sentence. At the end of these 2 weeks we demonstrated that we had learned our lesson by knocking back shots of Bacardi. Moments into celebrating, my darling friends suggested I put on the hot pink sombrero I kept hanging on my bedpost. I needed almost no encouragement and even suggested that I add the authentic Mexican poncho that Utan had scored in Tijuana years before and bequeathed to me when I went off to school. This was hilarious in the comfort of my dorm room and even more hilarious when I did a lap of the dorms and paid visits to all of my friends doing far more productive things with their time. And so, the Monday Night Mexican was born. For the rest of the year whenever some down time presented itself on Monday evening I would repeat this process and earn so much street cred.
6.) Not living in the mods For those of you who are unaware, the mods are more or less tenements that happen to be surrounded by some patches of dirt and grass that pass as a lawn. Despite their impending condemnation, they were the premier housing at my University. This is mostly because they were a centralized location for parties. Now, I think my love of a good time is well documented at this point, so this may come as a surprise, but OMG I did not want to live in the mods. Unfortunately, a number of my friends did desire to spend their senior year supplying beer to freshman and washing their dishes by hand. Luckily for me, the Ferret swooped in and alerted me that I was being groomed to live in the mods by several groups of ladies. Since she is much smarter than I am she knew this was a bad idea and strong-armed me into becoming her roommate. Now I have already acknowledged the great things this brought to my life, but I also feel compelled to note that it saved me from a year of living with legit crazies who spent their senior year bickering and bullying each other. Sometimes I think of what could have been and shudder.
5.) Synchronized Swimming When I was a chubby 13-year-old, fresh off a failed softball career, I joined a synchronized swimming team. I had no expectation to really stick with it and after meeting a shit ton of weirdos at the team picnic I nearly quit before I even got in the pool. Thank G I didn’t because it really changed my life in such a fantastic way. Primarily, it brought Boyfriend and Medallion into my life. Being the only 3 normal people on the team we hung out exclusively with each other so as to more effectively judge the other suckers we were being forced to interact with. When our coach told Medallion and I that we could no longer be partners bc we didn’t get anything accomplished she took out her anger by kicking the crap out of our teammates, but made sure to do it underwater so as not to get in trouble. Not only did this endeavor really hone my ability to more effectively identify and avoid interacting with weirdos, it also taught me the intricacies of hooker make up, sequins and inappropriately skimpy bathing suits.
4.) Spikes Senior year of college there is not much work to be done. This is perfect because it affords more time to go out drinking every night of the week. On Wednesdays, the thing to do was go to trivia and then this sketchtastic bar, The Kells. This bar happens to be extremely dirty and horrible. In fact, it is so bad no self-respecting person would go there on the weekends as it crosses a bad line Friday and Saturday nights. I accidentally found myself there on 2 occasions and both times left in tears. Anyway, instead of going to the Kells, Hawk, Ferret and I used to walk to Spikes junkyard dogs and gorge on hot dogs. Let me tell you, a pizza dog beats chugging $1 Kells brew and getting felt up by strangers any night of the week.
3.) Continuing to be an only child Little kids often tell their parents they want brothers and sisters. Well, I was never that kid, so any period of time my parents don’t bring home another child is awesome. Having just one of me affords my parents with lots more time to do things like drive an entire day just to take me out to birthday dinner, fill up my gas tank and otherwise dote on me.
2.) Dinosaur When I was 5, one of my cousins had a baby. I was so obsessed with him that I could barely contain myself. In Kindergarten, I brought him in to Show and Tell. After that, I spent a majority of my childhood doing all sorts of crazy things just to see The Devious One (when I told him about the blog he insisted I call him that) laugh. Really, as far as pseudo brothers I thought things could not get much better. And then, thirteen years later, his little brother was born, or rather hatched. I say hatched because he is, I believe, part dinosaur. He has been obsessed with dinosaurs for nearly all 5 years of his life and as such has brought really fun games to my life like, ‘what’s in that egg?’, Dino fight and Dino herd. In addition to being totally ridiculous, he tells funny jokes about a phantom named chuck and recently decided that he wanted a pet mongoose after his pet snake slithered away. I find him to be endless entertainment.
1.) No Parents, No Rules I wasn’t really sure what to put as the best thing, but nearly everyone I talked to about this insisted that going to college was it. I wish it was something more profound, but if I am being honest I have to say that is it. Learning, blah, blah, me smart now, but also omg did I have the best time. Every second of every day you get to hang out with your friends and not worry about stupid things like bills and cooking for yourself.
7.) Seaside Heights Yes, that’s right, the Seaside Heights of Jersey Shore fame. Unfortunately, I did not get to beat up the beat at Karma since I was only 13, but I knew it was an intensely tragic place. I mean there was nothing that stands out as being particularly horrible, but just the overall dirtiness was enough for me to know it was not a legitimate vacation destination, no matter what my friend’s family had led me to believe.
6.) Tequila This gets a dual nod because as much as I love it, it is responsible for some of my most epic blackouts. This includes, but is not limited to the infamous blackout of Labor Day ’09 (I still owe endless apologies for this one), the many times I was followed home by randos, and nearly every time I have openly cried at a bar.
5.) A tale of 2 tailgates This fall the alumni association magically gifted me with a tailgating spot and a ticket to sit in the president’s box. Since I already own a share of a tailgate, I passed my second spot on to Ferret’s parents and did a great job of floating between them both. The previous week I charged headlong into a tragic mistake that involved too much tequila and not enough moral compass. As I was leaving Ferret’s parent’s tailgate to head off to hang with Fr. University President her dad called after me, “Try not to make out with anyone you shouldn’t,” and then turned to his friends and alluding to said mistake, “she kind of has a track record for that.” I nearly died of shame, but given my recent life choices could do nothing to defend myself.
4.) Being injury prone I am not the most graceful person on the planet. When I was 14 I was doing “ballet” and I wiped out and sprained my ankle. From then on, I spent a lot of time on crutches. Admittedly, this sucked, but I didn’t realize how bad it could get until I went to college. My university was basically on a cliff which meant that every time I fell down the stairs or put the heel of my shoe through my foot I faced at least one week of hobbling up and down hills and endless staircases with 2 slabs of wood trying to tear my arms from my body.
3.) Hair Most of this decade I was a blonde. In fact, for most of the decade I didn’t even know what my actual hair color was. I also endured some time with jet black hair and layers that started 3 inches above my right ear. Luckily, I have managed to jump off the rollercoaster of ugly by accepting my natural hair color, which for the record is a not completely mousy brown.
2.) The Unibomber I have an inherent ability to lure in weirdos. It definitely is something innate as I have seen the terror squad my mother chose to date before she landed my dad. Even though I am sure I could have easily filled the worst list with the pack of tragic suitors I have encountered in my day only one made the list. The Unibomber really set himself apart. He asked me out in eighth grade and I just knew something was off so I said no thank you. The next day made a bomb threat and then sawed some kid’s shoe in half to prove he was serious. What a catch.
1.) Graduation Obviously, since college was the best thing to ever happen to me, its end was totally the worst. Nevermind the fact that it was the end of everything awesome, what really made it horrific was the fact that I thought I was on the brink of death. The week before I graduated I made it my mission to literally have as much fun as I could possibly squeeze in to 7 days. This meant that I drank heavily and never slept. By the time graduation rolled around I was hammered, had sobbed myself hoarse and had not slept more than 4 hours all week. Basically, I was looking good and feeling even better. The one thing I had going for me was that I did not pass out, which I saw some other kid do, and I made it on time.
So there it is, the highs and lows of the 2000’s. The next time I am forced to recount my life like this I will be 34…barf.