When life gets really bad I like to crawl into my lair and wallow. It is actually a pretty sweet coping mechanism, but eventually you have to get out of bed and go to the mall work. So in order to pry myself out from under the fifty blankets I keep on my bed I have to remind myself it could be a lot worse, you know, at least I have legs. This works for a variety of things. Like the time I got an almond stuck in my nose, well, at least I have a nose. Or say you spill a drink all over yourself at a bar, well, at least you didn’t pee your pants…etc., etc.
Anyway, a friend of mine who we will call Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman saw me engage in this behavior on numerous occasions as we used to live together until she went off to med school. Apparently, med school is a lot like high school because the other day Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman called to regale me with the most epically awkward story to add to my collection of ‘at leasts.’ And, OMG, yes, Dr. Quinn, at least I’m not this girl…
Upon returning from a family vacation to the Bahamas, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman’s Facebook inbox was filled with cryptic messages from one of her acquaintance/friends, the Tooth Fairy, citing major drama in her life. Now, 2 months prior, the Tooth Fairy had made out (just made out) with one of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman’s good friends. It should be noted that this friend is male. Since the MOing the Tooth Fairy has been stalking said friend with inappropriate and abundant texts and phone calls, some returned, most not.
Fast forward to the week between Christmas and NYE and the Tooth Fairy decides to make a last ditch effort to sink her claws into this kid. Like all tragic mistakes, the Tooth Fairy’s plan began with a bottle of wine. After getting all sorts of liquored up the Tooth Fairy invites over the friend and in an effort at seduction suits up in some luring equipment, otherwise known as lingerie. Despite being initially put off by the sight of a questionably stable classmate answering the door in a corset, the plan seemed to work. The next morning, the tooth fairy attempts to resume the previous evening’s festivities when all of a sudden the friend comes out of his lingerie induced coma, looks her dead in the face and yells, “I’m a terrible person!” He then promptly shoots out of bed, thrashes around in the bathroom momentarily and makes his exit.
Traumatizing as that seems, there’s more. The poor disgraced Tooth Fairy gets out of bed and drags herself to her computer in an effort to find a companion for the pity party she is about to have. Unfortunately, when she logs on to Facebook she is greeted with the following message from one of her female classmates:
Hi Tooth Fairy,
I am just wondering if you and your roommate are lesbians.
There are so many issues here I can’t even think of an ‘at least’ to help this girl. At least you didn’t act like a lunatic…nope. At least the friend could display some self control…well, no on that either. At least you can’t say you didn’t try…I guess.