The Legend of Medallion

Those of you who have been reading carefully probably have one question in mind when reading this blog. No, no not how on earth do I expect to get my life together in seven years? Careful readers are probably wondering who is this Medallion character that I speak of. Let me explain…Medallion is my BFF 4 lyfe.

Medallion, Boyfriend and I became BFFs 10ish years ago when much of our lives revolved around wearing sequins, holding our breath and mocking others. As synchronized swimmers, we spent countless hours every week at the pool. Our parents paid good money for us to spend these hours swimming laps, stretching and spinning around upside down with our legs over our heads. Instead, we gossiped about boys, did cartwheels and made up weird dances. In 8th and 9th grade Medallion and I were often partnered together to work on our figure skills. Basically, this meant that we were supposed to watch each other thrusting various appendages out of the water and then talk about what we were doing correctly and what we weren’t. Since we sucked significantly less than the other people on our team it took our coach quite a while to figure out that we were not actually correcting each other but were hanging on the gutter screwing around. The Devil (as we called her) finally caught on when we took turns putting a parking cone on our head and singing “I’m a shark and I’m circling you,” at the top of our lungs, while dog paddling around the other person. After that we were banned from working together.

Another founding component of our friendship was the mutual disdain we had for most people on our team. A few shared eye rolls in the locker room and it was clear that we hated all the same people. For the sake of team unity we could not always tell people that we hated them. Instead, Medallion devised the genius plan that we could show them they were behaving badly by kicking them in the shins/head/arm underwater. We got away with this mostly because our coaches were evil and when people complained about getting kicked they were told to try harder to stay out of our way.

We also became bonded because we like all the same foods; mainly, turkey sandwiches, breakfast sandwiches, wheat thins, sun chips, cookies and water. Since our moms loved us they often volunteered to be in charge at swim meets, so these foods were always on hand. Any time we were out of the water we were sitting in the corner bitching, eating and otherwise being bffs. Medallion also likes Honey Nut Chex Mix. Once, the mother of one of our teammates purposely left said Chex Mix at the hotel, probably as some twisted revenge for our bitchery towards her daughters. Poor Medallion had an epic meltdown and we never had our needs neglected again.

Our biggest bonding moments though came during what we used to call Mary Kate and Ashley nights. On these nights we would decide that our lives outside the pool had become unmanageable and we would watch awful movies and eat junk food until 6AM. More accurately, Boyfriend and I would watch movies and eat junk food, Medallion would pass out and then say weird things in her sleep while we laughed at her. For some reason, these events basically sealed our fate as BFFs.

Though we bonded over an abundance of shallow things our relationship is not a complete vapid wasteland. Nowadays, I keep her around because she makes a great date to weddings, puts up with my reckless drunk dials and monitors how much fun we are having by whether or not she has stuck her contacts to the bar. In short, when she was relaying scandalous tales of her house being egged and other such nonsense I did not dream that years later we would share a toothbrush, but nevertheless we’ve been known to do so. So now, when I blog about Medallion this or Medallion that, you’ll know she’s awesome at cartwheels, we share an interest in acting foolish, behaving like a pair of borderline Regina Georges and are equally high maintenance.


1 Comment

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One response to “The Legend of Medallion

  1. Medallion

    I have read this post no less than 10 times and everytime reliving these moments makes me die. best blog post everrrr

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