So I was about to harass Popprincess for taking a blog hiatus, but then I realized I was a giant hypocrite and I should turn that finger right around and point it at myself. Anyway, I am still working on the post I promised you last Friday. Turns out the surprise I am planning is proving more difficult than I had anticipated and I don’t know, but it might suck. I guess you can all judge that on Friday. Whatever, moving on.
Last week, I was at a meeting and one of the characters at the meeting talked about how his life dream had been to work in his current occupation. Hold up, what? You knew as a child what you wanted to be when you grew up and then you grew up and that’s what you are? Flabbergasted does not even begin to describe it, especially because after a little introspection I realized that while I have dreams none of them are really all that career oriented. Instead, my dreams read more like a bucket list…
See as many ferocious animals in their natural habit as humanly possible. For whatever reason, I am really into ferocious animals, but not in zoos or other controlled environments. I want to see them up close and personal and by surprise. As in here I am lounging on the beach laa laa HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THE SHARK FEEDING FRENZY! I swear to you all this actually happened and I think about it fondly almost every day. Really, I can’t even articulate how awesome it is to see something so ferocious in its uncaged glory.
The Shark Robot. Essentially it’s a shark replica that a human can fit into and cruise around the ocean in. Athena and I came up with this great idea one day when we were in Florida wondering what it’s like to be a shark. I mean since they are lone wolves and there are no mirrors in the ocean how do they know what a shark even is? Then we got kind of off topic and wondered about shark mating; which is a total scientific mystery, for the record. The bitches I am friends with have turned this scientific breakthrough into something horrible and perverse. My mom even asked me, though I know when she reads this she will deny it, “Why don’t you try mating with humans first?” We’ll see if it’s so funny when I’m on the cover of TIME with my robot and my Nobel prize.
The Lobster Exodus. I eat no seafood; if it is from the sea it is not for me, as I like to say. Normally, I don’t mind it if other people choose to eat sea creatures, you know hakuna matata, and all that jazz. However, this summer South Beach invited a bunch of our college friends to her Cape house for the Fourth of July. Instead of dressing in patriotic theme as we had the year before, she thought we should celebrate by having a lobster bake. I was more than happy to sit at the “kid’s table” and eat cheese with Athena, but things got traumatizing when we actually went to pick out the lobsters that would later become dinner. All the lobsters were just chilling in their tank with no clue that they were that evening’s special! Hours before they had been happily crawling about their natural habitat and now they were piled on top of one another with their claws banded. Sad as it was, it gave me an idea. How ballin’ would it be to just walk into a lobster store, tell the people working you want to buy them all, clip their bands and pour them back in to the ocean? It would be awesome and some day, I’m doing it.
Catch a giant fish. My parents and their friends used to go deep sea fishing every summer. Seeing as I was very young and my dad liked to use these trips as an excuse to drink himself into a coma, I was not invited. To my 5 year old self, their tales of swimming off the back of the boat, seeing sharks and reeling in tuna and cod seemed to me a great and wondrous adventure that I was pissed I could not partake in. When I moved to Boston I thought this was the perfect opportunity for them to finally take me deep sea fishing. I could catch a monster fish, get my picture taken hugging it and then toss it back to rejoin its fishy brethren; awesome idea, obviously. Six years later, I’m still waiting for them to take me. Every time I ask they’re all you’ll get seasick, you’ll get bored and whine if you don’t catch anything, you’re not going to jump off the back of the boat who are you kidding? When I pose this super fun activity to my friends they are either too prissy to want to hug a fish or know that I really, actually hate boats so maybe my parents aren’t that off base in their refusal to take me. Either way, I’m going to hug a tuna if I have to pay a hobo to come hold the camera.
Apparently, all of my wildest dreams have to do with oceanic animals. In full disclosure, I wanted to be a marine biologist as a child. And by wanted to be, I mean I obsessed over and did my science fair project on whales every single year of elementary school. What can I say? I was a weird kid and apparently an even weirder adult-type person, but maybe I’m not that unlike the man from the meeting. Maybe I’m just in the wrong career? Probably not, though, unless the job description of a marine biologist is actually tentatively interacting with animals that have already been cleaned and fed by someone else. In that case, I’d be totally good at it.