South Beach just accused me of being an adult learner. Post-college learner, sure, but do you see me wheeling a rolling backpack to class? I don’t think so. Also, let’s be careful throwing around that word “adult.” I think we can all agree that aside from paying (most of…thanks, Dad!) my bills and managing to drag myself to and from work in a timely-ish fashion I am decidedly not one to act like a grown up. If I did such things I would already have attained fully functioning human status and there would be no blog.
Granted, there are things I know I am far too old for:
Forever 21…sometimes you just age out of clothes made from fibers not found in nature
Glitter…not even in small, tasteful doses anymore
Jungle Juice…boy, did I learn that one the hard way
Pleather, python miniskirts…9th grade was a scary time
The Jonas Brothers…though, I’m not sad about this one
And then there are a few I am pretty sure I’m too old for, but can’t seem to give up:
Ironic apparel given out at bars…no big deal, I recently scored (and continued to wear the rest of the night) a Bud Light knit hat. Not to mention the t-shirts that say “I’m huge in Hungary” and “Sauced”
Introducing myself as Shaniqua…no one is fooled and the joke is getting old
Kissing random boys in bars…Hi Family! I’m sorry, I know I was raised better than that.
Snapping my gum…I may or may not have been reprimanded for doing this in class at age 22 and also it always ends up in my hair or stuck to my eyelashes.
McDonald’s Happy Meals…sometimes you just need a little cheeseburger and some fries and for whatever reason the adult size is just not as delicious
Finally, you can never be too old for some things:
Peanut Butter and Jelly…except when you wake up covered head to toe in jelly, then it is problematic. This also goes for other kid foods like Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, string cheese, and if you are Hawk, Gushers.
Drinking too much and saying ridiculous things…I mean, maybe this is something you should age out of, but I know of no one who has successfully done it. Take one of my aunts for instance, after several cosmos she jumped on a table at 40th birthday party and reprimanded the other party guests for their unenthusiastic singing. She even belligerently added “Come on, DO IT AGAIN!”
Funfetti cake…after all, it is cake in its highest form.
Singing loudly to the music you used to listen to in high school…that’s just a good time. If I am not still singing along with Ja Rule at 80, I have failed at life.
Pool toys…Though my mom finally forced my dad to stop doing flips into our backyard pool no one enjoys the remote control shark and boat more than he does, not even The Dinosaur, who is 5, for the record.
Is anyone else alarmed by how concerned I am to still be able to eat foods geared towards small children for the rest of my life?