An actual blog post

I am 982% averse to change. For serious, I hate it; especially when it involves people moving away. Ideally, I would like to gather up everyone I love most in the world, put one of those invisible dog zapper fences up and we would just hold hands and I would force them all to tell me funny stories forever. Unfortunately, that’s completely impossible and probably creepy, but it brings me to the reason that I was dancing like a wild indian and downing an excessive number of Bud Lights on Saturday night night…Becky is moving to Texas.

On the one hand, I am insanely happy for her. On the other hand, I am nervous that this means I might have to clean up my life. You may remember Becky from the time we almost got arrested. Well, believe it or not our stint as criminals was not our only ridiculous escapade. Far from it, in fact. Becky and I lived across the hall from each other freshman year of college and became fast friends when we discovered that we shared an interest in reprehensible behavior. Mostly, this meant that when we joined forces we wound up doing a lot of things that would not qualify as a good life choice, but were insanely fun. Now there is no way to recount all of our shenanigans here, but in honor of Becky’s big move I thought I would share with you all our most excellent adventure. It was a tough call between the time we woke up in our friend’s bed on the opposite side of campus still wearing our winter coats and boots or the time(s) we behaved so inappropriately before football games that our tailgate spot required its own police detail, but I finally narrowed it down to just one instance of tomfoolery.

Shortly before my 19th birthday, Becky found herself in possession of an ID that led purveyors of booze to believe she was old enough to be in legal possession of said booze. So, in honor of my birth we decided to treat ourselves to an entire mini-fridge’s worth of beer. Now, being underage we could not just walk our beers in the front door of the dorms and so we unpacked the cases of beer into my dirty laundry. The problem with this plan was that once my hamper was filled with 60 beers and enough clothes to hide those beverages there was no way in hell we were going to be able to carry that up 2 flights of stairs to our room. Luckily, we kept ourselves apprised of all the wicked sketch behavior that went on in the freshman dorms and knew it was highly likely that we might find some large gentlemen meandering through the neighborhoods that abutted our dorms as they tended to do. Through some sort of happy accident, the stars aligned and when we rounded the corner of the nearest side street we saw none other than the largest man in our graduating class. At 6’3”, well over 300 pounds and of questionable moral character this future NFL lineman was just the man we needed to help us out. Despite a split second of hesitation he accepted our offer of a beer and ride back to campus and crammed himself into the passenger seat of Becky’s Corolla.

With the beers safely transported upstairs the only natural conclusion to all that hard work was to enjoy the fruits of our labor. Somewhere between the first beer and 4AM our third roommate had come home to finish up some homework. Instead of allowing her to do this we forced her to play DJ while we did interpretive dance to whatever song she opted to put on. The high point of this show came when we busted out the free weights for “Kanye’s Workout Plan.” Eventually, Becky decided that instead of dancing she would rather perch atop the industrial size roll of toilet paper we inexplicably had in our room and be the Notable Quotable statue. Side note, Becky often said pithy things that we wanted to remember, but could never get them quite right when we recounted them. Eventually, we started writing down the things she said on napkins paper plates and index cards, whatever we had on hand, and she started referring to herself as the Notable Quotable or NQ for short. The NQ statue basically meant that she stood there spouting the first ridiculous thing to pop into her head, would strike a pose and our third roommate would snap pictures while I cackled about it in the corner. This went on for longer than I am comfortable admitting in public, but eventually we decided that it wasn’t the best idea to drink all those beers in one sitting and went to bed. The next morning was UGLY. I watched Becky struggle to get ready for about 5 minutes before I just made the executive decision to skip class and sleep off the debauchery.

In any case, the succeeding 5 years of our friendship have gone pretty much like that; ridiculous adventures punctuated by episodes of buffoonery. For about a split second today I worried that her absence would mean I would have to start being better behaved, but no. Instead, we concluded, I would just have to hang out with her sisters and hope that Texas is prepared for the havoc wrought during my frequent visits.


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