I didn’t actually see a dog today so that sucks, but I did get out of work early. Since we are about 3 raindrops away from it turning into water world up in here my boss cut me loose. Now, in its own right that is pretty fly, BUT THEN I saw a ridiculous 3 car accident which only made it that much more awesome. Now, I had not originally intended to talk about how much I love to rubber neck today, but I forgot my blog idea list at work and I am so pumped up after seeing that accident that I could punch 25 ninjas in the face right now, so rubber necking it is.
I should start by saying that I rarely seek out things to rubber neck, but I am also not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, so if the opportunity presents itself I’m game for a good lurk. For example, let’s take today. I was just minding my business sitting in the CVS parking lot about to start my car when I heard a super loud bang. I look up and three cars have smashed themselves into a heap, smoke everywhere, endless horn honking. Now it just so happens that this accident took place right in front of the parking lot exit, pretty much impeding my getting out. Now, if I am being totally honest, yes, I could have gotten out if I really wanted to, but then I would not have seen the 4 fire trucks, 3 ambulances and 5 police cars that rolled up to deal with the aftermath. Luckily no one was actually hurt, so I could openly gape at the lights, sirens and mangled steel completely guilt free.
Which brings me to my second point, stalking something tragic brings me such joy that I can’t contain my excitement and be discreet about it. Luckily, when something ridiculous and out of the ordinary is going on people don’t so much care about the clowns staring at them and worry more about the ensuing tragedy. Some people I associate with don’t quite get that. Recently, Esquire and I were on a little road trip. By road trip I mean we were trapped in the car together for some 9+ hours traveling at an average speed of 2 mph, that is no joke and frankly I think I am lucky to still be alive. Anyway, in this bumper to bumper traffic we happened to have the misfortune of finding ourselves in front of the most hungover girl in the world. After rear ending us twice, yes TWICE, she proceeded to vom all over her car and the side of the road for a good 40 minutes. Esquire was not down with my blatant gawking and chastised me when I tried to whip my little head around and openly stare at her.
To that I have to say, it’s not really my fault this is a disorder that totally runs in the family. When my cousin Kathy Cosmetology tried going to school in Boston her dorm overlooked the hospital campuses and it was all she could do to concentrate on her homework and not all the crazy things going on just outside her window. Another time KC and I were road tripping to South Carolina to visit Utan, when we stopped at Cracker Barrel to pee. Well, I had to pee while KC waited out front. I came out of the bathroom to find her and her friend who had accompanied us, giggling uncontrollably. Apparently, having the world’s smallest bladder really cost me one of the greatest experiences of all time as during my absence they had seen a truck full of rednecks pull up and steal all of the Cracker Barrel rocking chairs. Of course they didn’t tell anyone because KC wanted to “wait and see what else might happen.”
The biggest offender of the rubbernecking would be none other than Utan. Obviously, you all know enough about Utan to know that she clearly is the biggest instigator of borderline inappropriate behavior. More than once I have been in the car with her when she has seen an ambulance and decided to just casually follow it. It should also be noted that she does not exclusively lurk tragedies. She has also been known to crash wedding receptions and proms if there happens to be one going on at a hotel she is staying at. Once, when I was little she dragged me along with her to a wedding and we stood out in front of the church watching the fat bride marry the biggest guido I had seen prior to Jersey Shore. Another time, we were out and about when we rolled up on a marital spat. Things in this marriage were apparently pretty bad, because we found the wife tossing all of her husband’s worldly possessions out of their bedroom window. The public nature of this spectacle let Utan feel that it would acceptable to pull over and stand on the lawn helping herself to said possessions. The wife fended the croc off, but it was too late, I had already seen how fascinating rubber necking could be.