Last Friday will from here on out be known as the day that all of my wildest dreams came true. No, I did not vote for Pedro. And no, I did not marry a very wealthy and insanely handsome senator who encouraged me to quit my job and just concentrate on being fascinating for the rest of my life, unfortunately. I did happen to see an alligator in its natural habitat, which as you may recall was pretty much my life’s dream.
Now, I go on business trips all the time. Not like George Clooney in Up in the Air all the time, but frequently enough that in the past year I have earned myself a free flight within the continental US. Because I am really mature and normal and unable to be silent for extended periods of time I bring my parents with me to do my bidding, listen to me gripe and tell me how awesome I am at being a grown up. None of this is really that vital to the story, but I think my readers deserve the entire ridiculous context of me on a business trip.
Last week one of my trips took me to Disney World. In and of itself this was pretty much glorious; I got to judge all the tragic individuals lurking about Mickey Mouse’s house and sit by the pool when I was not working. Like I said, glorious. Anywhoodle, Friday morning, I was kind of dragging on account of having been singing “Imagination” with my main squeeze, Figment, until all hours of the night. Suffice it to say, I was not in what one would call a hurry to get to work. After eating a $17 bowl of strawberries for breakfast I meandered back to my room to put on some big girl clothes and actually do something with my day. While crossing the pond in the middle of our resort, I happened to see some girls standing in the grass staring at something at the water’s edge. I followed their line of sight and there it was, a four foot long baby alligator. HO. LY. CRAP. I nearly died of joy right on the spot. Before I could even think it through I was ankle deep in weeds about 5 feet from the gator’s killer jaws. AND THEN…it waddled into the water and swam about paddling its webbed claws and wagging its monstrous tail. Easily, the best day of my life.
Now, I know some of you might be like you were at Disney World, that does not exactly count as the natural habitat of a gator. To that I say, screw you. Primarily, Disney does not fill their resorts with predators. I know this for a fact because that is the exact response I got when I asked if there were lions and/or hippos at the Animal Kingdom Lodge. Secondly, the man that is in charge of ensuring the gator does not eat any hotel guests told my dad that the alligator found its way there of his own accord. So, I say this for sure counts as a natural habitat.
In full disclosure, I was not as jazzed to see the gator as I thought I would be. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the hour I spent staring into its beady yellow eyes was the most magical of my life, but now what? Judge all you want, but I am not too proud to admit that an alligator prompted a serious existential crisis. Seriously, this has been pretty much my single life’s ambition for the past 7 years. Before that I am pretty sure my only aspiration was to stop tipping the scale at nearly two hundred pounds. Thankfully, check on that too, so I guess I have that going for me. That’s not the point. The point is I finally happened upon an alligator in the wild and it made me realize that I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. Whatever, I’m not worrying about it. I always have the shark robot thing to fall back on.